Hi.

Not sure who's even reading my blog any more,
but I know my friends do when tell em' I've updated lololol.

YEA, HI GUYS.

So my friend from poly shared this post on our group chat while we "talked about life".
Written by his friend who graduated from NUS, she was in the States for bout' a year.

Very good and relatable read.

Here's the link to the exact post: CLICK HERE

...
..
.

"Sharing this because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way:

For the 9 months that I’ve been back in Singapore from the States, a deep sense of dissatisfaction has permeated my life. More than ever, I feel completely lost here and I’ve been trying to figure out why.

Most people I talk to never fail to bring up the same points - how we’re extremely privileged to be born and raised here in Singapore where majority lead comfortable lives, where we can walk on the streets at 3AM knowing we’ll get home safe and how we’re the envy of many who wished they were bred within the spaces of this internationally-famed economic miracle. I get all of that. Especially after being in the States for a year where I got used to the sight of homeless people pleading for help while the rest of us went about our daily lives, where I had to plot a thousand different ways in my head of screaming for help if I got grabbed along the street while walking home at 11pm. For the longest time, I couldn’t find a way to articulate what it was about the States that made me feel my life was fulfilling and hopeful the way life should be.

Till last night; I found the best way so far to put it across. Back here, I feel like I’m holding my breath all the time - anticipating the next thing on my to-do list, draining the present to slog for the future that I can never catch up with because the future will always (always.) be one step ahead, spending all my time doing things I have to do and wondering when I will have time to do things I want to do.

I was never really capable of, or allowed to, live in the present moment.

The present was always about working for the future: study hard for PSLE so you get into a good secondary school, study hard for ‘O’ levels so you get into a good junior college, study hard in JC so you get into a university, study hard in university so you get a good degree and a good job. There was no question as to how I should spend my time because the goal was always clear at every stage - get a certain grade, get to a particular institution. Once you got there, it was a definite mark of success.

So I always thought I was successful. Now I’m finally realising - I’m successful by the measure of society; I’m nowhere by the measure of my own standards. In fact, I have no idea what my own standards are.

In all the years I spent chasing society’s definition of ‘success’ and ‘happiness’, there was never quite enough time to stop and discover what my own measure of success and happiness was. I have no idea how to answer when interviewers ask what I’m passionate about. I have no idea how to answer when I ask myself what I’m passionate about. I feel inadequate that as an intellectual end product of our rigorous education system, I can write essays, ace presentations, get scholarships, yet am a complete idiot when it comes to figuring out what makes me happy and why I’m doing what I’m doing.

After 16 years of living out the itinerary handed to me by society, for the first time in my life I have to ‘Enter New Destination’ on my own and I have no clue where I want to go or how I should go about figuring out where I want to be. They say, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you might not get there.” And that scares me the most.

I don’t want to wait till 50 years later to realise I’ve been chasing something that means nothing at all in the end because I’ve already wasted 16 years doing just that.

At the end of the day, the ones I envy and admire are not those with the big money, or the ‘dream jobs’ but the few who radiate with gratification from doing what makes them happy everyday. Those who sacrificed the wrong things for the right ones. Those who had clarity and courage to gauge success by their own measure.

Starting from Square 0 but at least I’m finally starting. Till then, I’ll be holding my breath and looking forward to the day I can answer with conviction the questions on what I’m passionate about, where I want to be and why I’m doing what I’m doing."

...
.
.

Why do I say it's relatable is because the hardest I've
worked for throughout my years in education were the times poly.

Because competition is so tight -
your freaken GPA needs to be up there to get into what you desire.

Since my attachment in Year 2, I realized "this" is not what I wanted to do with my life.

I remember my supervisor dropping by the company I was attached to for a visit,
engaging in awkward talks with my boss then seeking permission to bring me
downstairs for a drink at the coffee shop nearby. Vivid memory.

Why?

Because I can't wait to get out the office.
 Lololol.

No issues with the people there, they were pleasant, friendly, approachable, but no.
I just dreaded what I was doing in the office every single day.

I do not enjoy sitting in the office doing business or IT,
I do not enjoy creating fancy PowerPoint slides for clients,
I do not enjoy having meals with colleagues who blabber on about business,
the next client to handle, the next project on hand or the next "business" thing to do.

Anyways, my sup treated me to a can of green tea and he went:

"So how? Do you like it here? Any problem?"

Me: "Ya the people here all very nice.. But I don't think this is what I want to do."
Sup: "Hmm. So what do you want to do?"

I told him what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go and how I ended up in this course.
I was both glad and thankful that he understood.
Shared stories, gave advice - he was really encouraging and supportive of my goal.

 (Yes, I eventually got into the school and course that I yearned for).

Winding back a little,
 I was never the most diligent, disciplined or hard-working person
you can find in primary or secondary school.

Even if I wanted to, I get easily (EASILY) distracted and upset by so many things
going on at home / in my life that many times I just wanted to "give up" or "escape".

I thought of suicide, I indulged in self-harm.
The scars won't go away.

Prominent and permanent, it's marked on my thighs forever.

So in secondary school especially,
I kinda threw myself away and did things that could truly allow me
to not even think a second about all the crap upheaving my life.
I did things that I loved, that I was passionate in "to escape".

Staying in school till late evening every single day for basketball was one.
Heading home and rooting my eyes and butt on games was another.
(There is also this "gaming friend" that I'm very grateful to because he was somehow
there at this particular point of my life and somehow became the only person I confided in)
Home was the place I dreaded most.
(Was. I love being home now).

The person who pulled me out of this "delusional comfort zone" was
this one teacher who actually bothered and cared to even drag the
then useless me into a proper CCA while piercing me with words so hard
(yet sincere) to get me drawn on getting my shit together.

Could easily end up in some ITE cause I was failing Math and Science even till prelims.
(I'm good in my languages and humanities though).

Again,
it was her words that struck me to buck the hell up or I'd just - you know what -.
She was incontestably one of the best teachers you can find in the century.
So I slogged like a bullock and inked my O' level cert with B3s and even As.

I pulled up THAT much in only a month or so.

How much better could I have done if I slogged diligently
with an unfaltering goal to do well since day 1?

I was just glad I did not let this teacher and my mum down.

I was eligible for JCs but was stubbornly bent on getting into SP.
Crashed all the open houses and only TP and NP offered courses related to education.

NP Early Childhood Education almost became my first choice
cause' that was what I truly wanted to learn and do for the rest of my life..

The reason I stuck to SP was:

1. I was a "country pumpkin" who did not know how to switch buses
2.  I cursed the thought of having to commute such long distance everyday
3. A couple of my close friends made it their first choice too

Anyway, word of advice - never trust the people (especially students)
at open houses entirely. I remember this kuku student on duty telling me:

"No education course but you can take business ma. Got alot presentation can help train 
you be more confident and professional so next time you confident to speak infront
of students also. Best is business IT because you learn both Business and IT!!"

Complete, utter bullshit. LOL.
I bet all Business IT students feel the same.
We roll out being proficient in NEITHER Business or IT
and that hit me real hard during my attachment in Year 2.

(Okay sorry for assuming, there may be other BIT students who think otherwise.)

So how?
Don't like what you do can give up and throw yourself away again?

No.

I had no "excuse" this time too since my "situation at home"
took a drastic turn for the better.

I needed to get into where I wanted and I needed good results.
So I slogged.

Library opens at 10, I'm out there waiting at 9.50 so I get my usual seat.
Library closes at 10, and I only leave when I hear the announcement.
I practice all past year papers and made sure I get every single question right.

I remember performing badly for this Statistics test and I calculated that
I'd need at least a 94 for the final paper to secure myself an A.
Yes, slogged again day to night and A it was with a perfect GPA for the semester.

Freaking GPA 4 for that one semester with the director's honour roll and all.
Anyway, my final GPA was good enough to enroll me into where I wanted to be.

It did not come easy though.

I had to wait for them to review my results and testimonials,
(if they decide you are not good enough during the "filtering" process
you will not even be called up for the interview)
I had to pass an interview with 4 panel "judges",
 (many failed the interview, hit some forums and you'd know)
then pass a proficiency test needed to deem that you're "proficient".

Yes, got through it all and I'm truly thankful.
But no, even here I'm still not among the top students with a "wow" GPA.

And that so is because I do well only for modules that I find
meaningful and beneficial for myself in future.

(Am an idiot? Maybe I am.)

"You don't use everything that you learn in school when you step out to work" -
A harsh but accurate statement for every student in university.

I'm not trying to relay the point that they are teaching useless stuffs in school,
it's just that I only get motivated when I find it truly meaningful.
(these are modules that I get excellent grades for).

That said though, it's not that I permit myself to flunk my grades,
it's just that I won't give myself the extra push to hit an excellent grade.

I let it hang at B+ or a B at bare minimum.
B- depresses me. A C+ makes me wanna kill myself so hahaha, no.

Also, I'm always serious when it comes to group work
because that is something that not only affects YOUR grade
but every other member's grade in the group.

So be it whether I find it meaningful OR NOT, I give my best.

I'd always be one collating, doing final editing, making sure everything is perfect
(LOL I haz the OCD) that I don't mind doing more to make everything look / be better.

Likewise, I'd slog my ass off for my students in future because it affects 40 lives
and because this is my passion and it makes me happy and I'd find everyday meaningful.

Also,

 for the very reason to NOT be like any other teacher who failed me as a person
or as a child, and for the reason that being in school is not just about grades
as it involves also both up-bringing and well-being.

"Eh then you like this next time you find the job tough or not meaningful already how?"

Will I stop working hard if I find it no longer meaningful
to devote my time to my students one day?

Definite, solid, no.

"Eh very hard to say one hor some students very horrible.
Not all days rainbows and butterflies one."

Well for my attachment last year I was posted to one of the most "notorious" school
in the neighbourhood with only ONE express class in every single level, and was
challenged, confronted and yelled "bitch" by a student who then refused to apologize.
(I only told her to put away her phone lololol - VERY NICELY).

My answer to you is still no.
Even with the "worst" kind of students I'd face, I'd want to help, I'd give my all.

I believe no child would choose a rotten path if given enough attention and guidance.

So what am I doing with my time to not make my GPA "wow"?

"At the end of the day, the ones I envy and admire are not those with the big money, or the ‘dream jobs’ but the few who radiate with gratification from doing what makes them happy everyday."

I'm glad I don't have to go to the States or anywhere else to realize this,

but I do spend enough time making myself happy everyday and that is quality time
 with both family and friends for they are people who makes you whole,
for they are people who are there at your best and your worst.

I also spare enough  for myself to do things I love because I know clearly that
I'd no longer have the privilege of "time to self" when I become a full-fledged teacher.

So what's the point of this post?
To preach that it's fine to not work hard and settle for average if you find it not meaningful?

No, hard work is mandatory to get to you to where you want to be,
but the underlying basis of life is to know how to make yourself
happy while knowing the importance and value in working hard.

My way of thinking and doing may be "wrong" / debatable,
but I'd like just like to end off with this -

"Know your passion and what makes you happy,
be passionate about what you are doing,
and do what whatever works best for you selflessly".

Hi.

Not sure who's even reading my blog any more,
but I know my friends do when tell em' I've updated lololol.

YEA, HI GUYS.

So my friend from poly shared this post on our group chat while we "talked about life".
Written by his friend who graduated from NUS, she was in the States for bout' a year.

Very good and relatable read.

Here's the link to the exact post: CLICK HERE

...
..
.

"Sharing this because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way:

For the 9 months that I’ve been back in Singapore from the States, a deep sense of dissatisfaction has permeated my life. More than ever, I feel completely lost here and I’ve been trying to figure out why.

Most people I talk to never fail to bring up the same points - how we’re extremely privileged to be born and raised here in Singapore where majority lead comfortable lives, where we can walk on the streets at 3AM knowing we’ll get home safe and how we’re the envy of many who wished they were bred within the spaces of this internationally-famed economic miracle. I get all of that. Especially after being in the States for a year where I got used to the sight of homeless people pleading for help while the rest of us went about our daily lives, where I had to plot a thousand different ways in my head of screaming for help if I got grabbed along the street while walking home at 11pm. For the longest time, I couldn’t find a way to articulate what it was about the States that made me feel my life was fulfilling and hopeful the way life should be.

Till last night; I found the best way so far to put it across. Back here, I feel like I’m holding my breath all the time - anticipating the next thing on my to-do list, draining the present to slog for the future that I can never catch up with because the future will always (always.) be one step ahead, spending all my time doing things I have to do and wondering when I will have time to do things I want to do.

I was never really capable of, or allowed to, live in the present moment.

The present was always about working for the future: study hard for PSLE so you get into a good secondary school, study hard for ‘O’ levels so you get into a good junior college, study hard in JC so you get into a university, study hard in university so you get a good degree and a good job. There was no question as to how I should spend my time because the goal was always clear at every stage - get a certain grade, get to a particular institution. Once you got there, it was a definite mark of success.

So I always thought I was successful. Now I’m finally realising - I’m successful by the measure of society; I’m nowhere by the measure of my own standards. In fact, I have no idea what my own standards are.

In all the years I spent chasing society’s definition of ‘success’ and ‘happiness’, there was never quite enough time to stop and discover what my own measure of success and happiness was. I have no idea how to answer when interviewers ask what I’m passionate about. I have no idea how to answer when I ask myself what I’m passionate about. I feel inadequate that as an intellectual end product of our rigorous education system, I can write essays, ace presentations, get scholarships, yet am a complete idiot when it comes to figuring out what makes me happy and why I’m doing what I’m doing.

After 16 years of living out the itinerary handed to me by society, for the first time in my life I have to ‘Enter New Destination’ on my own and I have no clue where I want to go or how I should go about figuring out where I want to be. They say, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you might not get there.” And that scares me the most.

I don’t want to wait till 50 years later to realise I’ve been chasing something that means nothing at all in the end because I’ve already wasted 16 years doing just that.

At the end of the day, the ones I envy and admire are not those with the big money, or the ‘dream jobs’ but the few who radiate with gratification from doing what makes them happy everyday. Those who sacrificed the wrong things for the right ones. Those who had clarity and courage to gauge success by their own measure.

Starting from Square 0 but at least I’m finally starting. Till then, I’ll be holding my breath and looking forward to the day I can answer with conviction the questions on what I’m passionate about, where I want to be and why I’m doing what I’m doing."

...
.
.

Why do I say it's relatable is because the hardest I've
worked for throughout my years in education were the times poly.

Because competition is so tight -
your freaken GPA needs to be up there to get into what you desire.

Since my attachment in Year 2, I realized "this" is not what I wanted to do with my life.

I remember my supervisor dropping by the company I was attached to for a visit,
engaging in awkward talks with my boss then seeking permission to bring me
downstairs for a drink at the coffee shop nearby. Vivid memory.

Why?

Because I can't wait to get out the office.
 Lololol.

No issues with the people there, they were pleasant, friendly, approachable, but no.
I just dreaded what I was doing in the office every single day.

I do not enjoy sitting in the office doing business or IT,
I do not enjoy creating fancy PowerPoint slides for clients,
I do not enjoy having meals with colleagues who blabber on about business,
the next client to handle, the next project on hand or the next "business" thing to do.

Anyways, my sup treated me to a can of green tea and he went:

"So how? Do you like it here? Any problem?"

Me: "Ya the people here all very nice.. But I don't think this is what I want to do."
Sup: "Hmm. So what do you want to do?"

I told him what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go and how I ended up in this course.
I was both glad and thankful that he understood.
Shared stories, gave advice - he was really encouraging and supportive of my goal.

 (Yes, I eventually got into the school and course that I yearned for).

Winding back a little,
 I was never the most diligent, disciplined or hard-working person
you can find in primary or secondary school.

Even if I wanted to, I get easily (EASILY) distracted and upset by so many things
going on at home / in my life that many times I just wanted to "give up" or "escape".

I thought of suicide, I indulged in self-harm.
The scars won't go away.

Prominent and permanent, it's marked on my thighs forever.

So in secondary school especially,
I kinda threw myself away and did things that could truly allow me
to not even think a second about all the crap upheaving my life.
I did things that I loved, that I was passionate in "to escape".

Staying in school till late evening every single day for basketball was one.
Heading home and rooting my eyes and butt on games was another.
(There is also this "gaming friend" that I'm very grateful to because he was somehow
there at this particular point of my life and somehow became the only person I confided in)
Home was the place I dreaded most.
(Was. I love being home now).

The person who pulled me out of this "delusional comfort zone" was
this one teacher who actually bothered and cared to even drag the
then useless me into a proper CCA while piercing me with words so hard
(yet sincere) to get me drawn on getting my shit together.

Could easily end up in some ITE cause I was failing Math and Science even till prelims.
(I'm good in my languages and humanities though).

Again,
it was her words that struck me to buck the hell up or I'd just - you know what -.
She was incontestably one of the best teachers you can find in the century.
So I slogged like a bullock and inked my O' level cert with B3s and even As.

I pulled up THAT much in only a month or so.

How much better could I have done if I slogged diligently
with an unfaltering goal to do well since day 1?

I was just glad I did not let this teacher and my mum down.

I was eligible for JCs but was stubbornly bent on getting into SP.
Crashed all the open houses and only TP and NP offered courses related to education.

NP Early Childhood Education almost became my first choice
cause' that was what I truly wanted to learn and do for the rest of my life..

The reason I stuck to SP was:

1. I was a "country pumpkin" who did not know how to switch buses
2.  I cursed the thought of having to commute such long distance everyday
3. A couple of my close friends made it their first choice too

Anyway, word of advice - never trust the people (especially students)
at open houses entirely. I remember this kuku student on duty telling me:

"No education course but you can take business ma. Got alot presentation can help train 
you be more confident and professional so next time you confident to speak infront
of students also. Best is business IT because you learn both Business and IT!!"

Complete, utter bullshit. LOL.
I bet all Business IT students feel the same.
We roll out being proficient in NEITHER Business or IT
and that hit me real hard during my attachment in Year 2.

(Okay sorry for assuming, there may be other BIT students who think otherwise.)

So how?
Don't like what you do can give up and throw yourself away again?

No.

I had no "excuse" this time too since my "situation at home"
took a drastic turn for the better.

I needed to get into where I wanted and I needed good results.
So I slogged.

Library opens at 10, I'm out there waiting at 9.50 so I get my usual seat.
Library closes at 10, and I only leave when I hear the announcement.
I practice all past year papers and made sure I get every single question right.

I remember performing badly for this Statistics test and I calculated that
I'd need at least a 94 for the final paper to secure myself an A.
Yes, slogged again day to night and A it was with a perfect GPA for the semester.

Freaking GPA 4 for that one semester with the director's honour roll and all.
Anyway, my final GPA was good enough to enroll me into where I wanted to be.

It did not come easy though.

I had to wait for them to review my results and testimonials,
(if they decide you are not good enough during the "filtering" process
you will not even be called up for the interview)
I had to pass an interview with 4 panel "judges",
 (many failed the interview, hit some forums and you'd know)
then pass a proficiency test needed to deem that you're "proficient".

Yes, got through it all and I'm truly thankful.
But no, even here I'm still not among the top students with a "wow" GPA.

And that so is because I do well only for modules that I find
meaningful and beneficial for myself in future.

(Am an idiot? Maybe I am.)

"You don't use everything that you learn in school when you step out to work" -
A harsh but accurate statement for every student in university.

I'm not trying to relay the point that they are teaching useless stuffs in school,
it's just that I only get motivated when I find it truly meaningful.
(these are modules that I get excellent grades for).

That said though, it's not that I permit myself to flunk my grades,
it's just that I won't give myself the extra push to hit an excellent grade.

I let it hang at B+ or a B at bare minimum.
B- depresses me. A C+ makes me wanna kill myself so hahaha, no.

Also, I'm always serious when it comes to group work
because that is something that not only affects YOUR grade
but every other member's grade in the group.

So be it whether I find it meaningful OR NOT, I give my best.

I'd always be one collating, doing final editing, making sure everything is perfect
(LOL I haz the OCD) that I don't mind doing more to make everything look / be better.

Likewise, I'd slog my ass off for my students in future because it affects 40 lives
and because this is my passion and it makes me happy and I'd find everyday meaningful.

Also,

 for the very reason to NOT be like any other teacher who failed me as a person
or as a child, and for the reason that being in school is not just about grades
as it involves also both up-bringing and well-being.

"Eh then you like this next time you find the job tough or not meaningful already how?"

Will I stop working hard if I find it no longer meaningful
to devote my time to my students one day?

Definite, solid, no.

"Eh very hard to say one hor some students very horrible.
Not all days rainbows and butterflies one."

Well for my attachment last year I was posted to one of the most "notorious" school
in the neighbourhood with only ONE express class in every single level, and was
challenged, confronted and yelled "bitch" by a student who then refused to apologize.
(I only told her to put away her phone lololol - VERY NICELY).

My answer to you is still no.
Even with the "worst" kind of students I'd face, I'd want to help, I'd give my all.

I believe no child would choose a rotten path if given enough attention and guidance.

So what am I doing with my time to not make my GPA "wow"?

"At the end of the day, the ones I envy and admire are not those with the big money, or the ‘dream jobs’ but the few who radiate with gratification from doing what makes them happy everyday."

I'm glad I don't have to go to the States or anywhere else to realize this,

but I do spend enough time making myself happy everyday and that is quality time
 with both family and friends for they are people who makes you whole,
for they are people who are there at your best and your worst.

I also spare enough  for myself to do things I love because I know clearly that
I'd no longer have the privilege of "time to self" when I become a full-fledged teacher.

So what's the point of this post?
To preach that it's fine to not work hard and settle for average if you find it not meaningful?

No, hard work is mandatory to get to you to where you want to be,
but the underlying basis of life is to know how to make yourself
happy while knowing the importance and value in working hard.

My way of thinking and doing may be "wrong" / debatable,
but I'd like just like to end off with this -

"Know your passion and what makes you happy,
be passionate about what you are doing,
and do what whatever works best for you selflessly".